Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sprinting Toward DunceHood (STD's)

Sprinting Toward Dunce Hood

If I ever have to talk to Sprint Customer Service again in my life please put me out of my misery. I happen to be the worst phone person on the planet , (actually probably many planets)
and Sprint happens to have the worst customer Service that I have ever experienced.

So i cancelled their piece of crap phones basically because of their inane customer service.
So I am here with a phone bill with a phone number that has not been used in 2 years.

One would think that is a slam dunk as I try to cancel an account.

But of course I did what any sensible person would do, I destroyed all the pins to an account that I do not have.

And of course for all 7 people I had to talk to I needed the stupid god damn pin.
It used to be in my wallet on a blue piece of paper but it is not anymore.

I talked to Lesley and she was lost and she transferred me to some lady who would only give me her employee number.

Then Sandra wanted my pin and eventually Nicky got into my account just asking for the account number. She said she reversed what was left of the bill and promptly transferred me to

Otis F***en Thorpe Employee Number WQ895955 an Account Manager in Account Services.

I asked Nicki if the big O (Otis) needed my PIN and Nicki assured me she did not.

Me - Hi Otis I would like to cancel my account.

The Big O- May I have your PIN please.?

(Calculation on Probability on Arnie's words being random.)
Back 'o the envelope calculation: assuming every gubernatorial communication had seven lines, separated into a group of 4 and 3, the probability that it would spell the phrase shown is 5.519648 x 10^-12. Very Large
Since most communications are not in this format, this is probably an over estimate. In short, it is not a chance event.

So my response to Sprint

F irst your service is bad
U nless you hate
C ustomers
K nowing that

Y our phones suck
O ut loud and your company is
U seless.

Friday, October 23, 2009

A Love Letter to my Appliances

To the Dearly Departed

Oh washing machine you old leaky bastard. We are breaking up with you.
You are no longer the pristine clean machine I once knew.
You are now a dirty old man that soils the sheets.
But we had good years together through thick and thin.

You cleaned our running shoes and
sparkling white linens.
You were always faithful and a little bit gay.
But we are moving on.

And Mr Refrigerator

You have become a frigid bastard and
you are now icy down below.
The best you do now is hold up magnets
that hold up pictures of pleasant days
gone by.

When you were young you were a shiny
bastion of hope holding micro brews and
pickles a plenty.

Good bye frigid bastard.

And Garbage Disposal

You capricious wanker. You sit silent. idle
not churning anything. The switch on the
wall just sits there all broken waiting to
be fixed.

Electricity my old friend.
I have come to talk to you again.

and the F***en Toilet

I have always hated you
every single one of you.
Spilling water, making gurgling noise
and notflushing when
flushing is what you do.

Screw you toilet.
You will not be missed.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Saving Ryan's Privates

News Release from Washington County Sheriff's Department:
Saving Private Ryan

On Saturday, October 18, 2009, at 10:54 p.m., Washington County Sheriff's Deputies arrested 26-year-old Billy Gean Ryan for multiple crimes stemming from two attempted car jackings and several burglaries. The 911 calls started at 7:49 p.m. when a woman called from her cell phone to report that a man tried to take her car. She reported that as he told her to get out of the car, he reached into his shirt like he had a gun. The woman rolled up the window and drove away from the suspect. Deputies arrived and set up a perimeter while a K9 unit searched for the suspect.
---The woman did not realize guns can shoot out windows and of course Loser Boy tried to fire that thing inside his shirt…
At 8:06 p.m. a resident in the 700 block of SW Blackcourt Place, called 911 and reported that a man had just entered their house and threatened to shoot them if they didn't give him their car keys. The caller said the man, later identified as 26-year-old Billy Gean Ryan, had come into their house while smoking a cigarette and asked about the car in the driveway. He then threatened to shoot them while reaching toward his armpit as if he had a gun. The resident told the Mr. Ryan to leave and he did.
--And he did that, he just left still smoking a cigarette.
Just after Mr. Ryan left the house, he threatened to shoot another man on the street. Mr. Ryan told the man he would shoot him if he did not give Mr. Ryan his car keys. The man refused and Mr. Ryan walked down the street.
--Persistence persistence persistence with no plan in mind
At 8:10 p.m. another 911 call was placed reporting that Mr. Ryan had entered an apartment at 674 SW 201st Avenue. The man in the apartment reported that Mr. Ryan came in and told him that he was being chased. Mr. Ryan offered the man $5,000 for his car. The man refused and told Mr. Ryan to leave which he did.
---where he got the money is beyond me and it must have been a hell of a car.
At 8:17 p.m. a man walked out of his house located in the 800 bock of SW 198th Avenue. He saw Mr. Ryan standing next to his car holding a Gatorade and a cell phone. The man saw that his car door was open and he realized that Mr. Ryan had taken the Gatorade and cell phone out of his car. The man asked Mr. Ryan what he was doing. Ryan asked the man if he had "seen the man the police were looking for?" Ryan then gave him the cell phone, took a drink of the Gatorade, and took off running.
--I can see how he needed the Gatorade and wow he took up running.
At 9:11 p.m. a woman called 911 from the 19000 block of SW Ashcroft Lane and reported that she found Mr. Ryan in her car parked in her garage. She said he told her he had fallen asleep in the car. The woman went into the house and locked the door. Mr. Ryan opened the garage door and left the residence.
Persistence persistence persistence with no exit strategy in mind
Numerous deputies were combing the neighborhood for Mr. Ryan. Just after the information was broadcast from the previous 911 call, a deputy spotted Mr. Ryan in the area of SW 198th Avenue and SW Brookfield Street. Mr. Ryan ran from the deputy but was quickly apprehended after a brief foot chase.
After Mr. Ryan was positively identified by several victims, he was arrested on the following charges.
· Robbery II (four counts)
. Dumb fu*kery
· Menacing (four counts)
· Burglary I (two counts)
· Unauthorized Entry to a Motor Vehicle (two counts)
· Criminal Trespass I
Mr. Ryan is being held in the Washington County on a $250,000 bail. If you have any information about this series of crimes please call the Washington County Sheriff's Office at 503-846-2700.