A Love Letter to my Appliances

To the Dearly Departed

Oh washing machine you old leaky bastard. We are breaking up with you.

You are no longer the pristine clean machine I once knew.

You are now a dirty old man that soils the sheets.

But we had good years together through thick and thin.

You cleaned our running shoes and

sparkling white linens.

You were always faithful and a little bit gay.

But we are moving on.

And Mr Refrigerator

You have become a frigid bastard and

you are now icy down below.

The best you do now is hold up magnets

that hold up pictures of pleasant days

gone by.

When you were young you were a shiny

bastion of hope holding micro brews and

pickles a plenty.

Good bye frigid bastard.

And Garbage Disposal

You capricious wanker. You sit silent. idle

not churning anything. The switch on the

wall just sits there all broken waiting to

be fixed.

Electricity my old friend.

I have come to talk to you again.

and the F***en Toilet

I have always hated you

every single one of you.

Spilling water, making gurgling noise

and notflushing when

flushing is what you do.

Screw you toilet.

You will not be missed.