To the Dearly Departed
Oh washing machine you old leaky bastard. We are breaking up with you.
You are no longer the pristine clean machine I once knew.
You are now a dirty old man that soils the sheets.
But we had good years together through thick and thin.
You cleaned our running shoes and
sparkling white linens.
You were always faithful and a little bit gay.
But we are moving on.
And Mr Refrigerator
You have become a frigid bastard and
you are now icy down below.
The best you do now is hold up magnets
that hold up pictures of pleasant days
When you were young you were a shiny
bastion of hope holding micro brews and
pickles a plenty.
Good bye frigid bastard.
And Garbage Disposal
You capricious wanker. You sit silent. idle
not churning anything. The switch on the
wall just sits there all broken waiting to
Electricity my old friend.
I have come to talk to you again.
and the F***en Toilet
I have always hated you
every single one of you.
Spilling water, making gurgling noise
and notflushing when
flushing is what you do.
Screw you toilet.
You will not be missed.